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porcelain.

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[Dec1211]
I haven't been active on here in well, years. At least properly.

Thinking about making a new journal entirely and actually updating it. Hm.
MESSAGE

[Jan0110]
[ mood | aggravated ]

"and when you dream, i hope you can't sleep and scream about it. i hope your conscience eats at you and you can't breathe without me."


Fuck eloquence.

I cannot stand whiny douche bag ex's. And I especially cannot stand people who are so goddamn mentally unstable, that they say YOU are the problem for everything in their life. Since when does a person not control their own actions? Really.

I'm not the reason you're going back to psyche. YOU are the reason. YOU are fucked up and YOU need help. I can't with stand one more moment of this reverse psychology bullshit. You don't know me, you don't even know yourself. I don't deserve to be belittled every minute, every second of my life. I wake up to feel like shit, and I go to bed feeling the same way. Everything in between is painful filler.

And you're right, I do argue with you. Because you tear into me for loving you. Nothing's ever good enough for you. And I'm done with being YOUR punching bag.

1 / MESSAGE

[Sep0909]
So, I'm long overdue for an update! It's only been a few years. Between wanting to crawl into a hole and not come out, I've been ridiculously busy trying to mend a relationship and taking care of my mother who has Fibromyalgia.

Lately I've been becoming triggered by many things. This is starting to concern me because for the most part, I've always felt in control. For those of you who aren't aware, I haven't self-injured in two, nearly three years. Although I once loved the feeling and the rush I got from it, I couldn't stand other people questioning the marks on my body. And even when I became clever about hiding them, I knew some day someone very close to me would see them, and well.. I didn't have any answers to provide other than it was my outlet. This was one of the underlying reasons I stopped, with my grandmother's passing being the main one.

However that "outlet" has long since been replaced with more depression. Over the past year, I find myself miserable at least twice a day and contemplating suicide far more than that. I don't know what to do anymore. Two nights ago, for the first time ever, I sunk into a severe depression state out of nowhere in five minutes, broke down and hysterically cried. I wanted to die then, I really did. I felt like I had no control whatsoever in this state. There was no rationality to be sought for. And the scariest part was, it felt like an out-of-body experience. As if I was watching myself in this crippling state from a faraway stance.

It seems as though after I met my (now) ex-boyfriend, who incidentally, suffers from Bi-polar, my symptoms have went.. haywire. At first I immediately thought it was his behavior impacting mine, but now I can't help but wonder if I'm noticing MY behavior more, because I've been subjected to his.

The existing situation is, I've never been diagnosed with anything. I've been too terrified of admitting to myself that I DO have a problem, and even discussing it with my parents or friends seemed too scary. But it's gotten so out of control anymore that I know if I don't get help, it'll only get worse. And I'm more terrified of what that 'worse' will be.

So now I'm considering at least telling my mother that I feel I need to make an appointment and talk to someone. I'm just hoping I'll have support through this all, and I guess this is where all this leads to. Support. Where do I go from here? I have several members in my family that suffer from a mental disorder, my parents have always looked at them as "unstable individuals" and judged them to be less than they were. I just feel like I'm completely trapped.. I definitely don't want my parents to turn their backs on me like I'm some God awful creature.. but what can you do when you can't even keep shit together?

I'd do anything to be the outgoing, social girl I used to be who loved the company of her friends. Now I resent people and any time I have to go somewhere, it feels like a jail sentence. Nothing pleases me anymore. Happiness has been long etched out of my life, to the point where I question if it's even real. I've tried to better myself, and I have in many outside ways. But no matter what I do it doesn't change the emptiness I've constantly felt lately.

Here's to hoping.
1 / MESSAGE

[Mar0306]
thanks to all of you who wished me a happy birthday. you're awesome. :]
oh, and, i'll still come on from time to time for those who're curious. so i am, for the most part, reading your entries.
12 / MESSAGE

[Sep0905]
[ mood | content ]

                                                 

If you plan on actually commenting, adding me back, giving me decent comments in return, then I'll have no problem at all adding you. If the first sentence doesn't 'fit' with you- then you wont 'fit' into my friends list. Period. < 3

61 / MESSAGE

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